Okay, I know that I promised that my next post would be about the queer-as-choice/not-a-choice issue. But! I ended up writing quite a long response to Marti Abernathey's post at the Bilerico Project about trans people who "live stealth," which she says is "the equivalent of 'living in the closet.' " I thought I should share my response because it ended up including a lot of relevant grey ideas (i.e. is there always a dichotomy between passing and not passing? Are those who "pass" necessarily living in shame and denial? etc).
I should say up front that my familiarity with the term "living stealth" was nonexistent before today. So i can't personally address that issue. However, I object to blanket condemnations of people who pass. I seem to "pass" as straight daily, but not because I'm pathetically hiding my oh-so-shameful non-straight self. I "pass" because of two things. One: mainstream America doesn't see a "long-haired, 'femme-y' woman who doesn't wear men's clothes" as possibly being queer. And two: My sexuality isn't my main identifier. I would prefer NOT to label myself as queer actually. I'd rather go with a nice adjective like "proactive" or "irreverent," if asked to describe myself. I don't feel like my queerness is pertinent enough information that I need to change the way I dress/act so that I can scream "gay" to everyone who meets me. Thus, I was really saddened to see a post from the Bilerico Project, who I usually love, casting such a strong condemnation on trans folk who "pass".
The original article at the Bilerico Project
And my response:
Hey, Sarah here, over from Don't Box Us. I really like The Bilerico Project, but I'm sorry to say that I find this post extremely offensive. If you want to live your life Out and proclaiming your roots/who you are—awesome! go for it! I completely support you and your right not to be judged for it. However, I don't really think it's your place to be condemning other people because of the way they choose to live their lives. You do not know these people; you have no possible way of knowing why they decide to live as they do. Wasn't the whole point of the GLBT movement that we should be allowed to live our lives without being condemned because of who we are/who we love/what our original sex was? Where is the difference between your condemnation and the condemnations of homophobes? Both condemnations are based on personal feelings about the way others lead their lives.
I'm not trying to attack you here, but I'm just wondering why we should be excluding/judging people who could be our allies. This sort of condemnation seems to me to only breed animosity within a group that is already facing a lot of discrimination. Why further discriminate against ourselves? I cannot disagree more with your statement that "If you aren't moving us forward, you're setting us back." In fact, I think it is exclusionary judgements like this that set us back, or rather, break us apart.
Also, you seem to be condemening people for passing, and therefore supposedly being ashamed of themselves. However, for some people, their sexual preference or gender identity ISN'T the main adjective they'd use to describe themselves. Maybe for you, it is. That's awesome. Rock it. But for others maybe it's more important to describe themselves as "jewish" or "practical, or "black-haried." That doesn't mean that they're ashamed of themselves.
I'm not trans, so I can't speak to that. However I can speak as a non-straight woman who frequently seems to pass as straight. If someone asked me for adjectives to describe myself, "gay" wouldn't even come into my head. Who I love is important to me, and my participation in the queer community is important to me as well, but it's just not something that I feel should be my main way of defining myself. I'm proud of who I am and I'm care about the equality movement, but I don't think who I love should change the way that people think about me. I just don't feel like it's pertinent information, basically. If it comes up in conversation I'm not going to hide it, but it's not something that makes me feel like I need to wear my hair in a fauxhawk just so that everyone I buy coffee from will know that I'm gay and therefore "not passing."
I'm not bashing ppl who don't pass here--if you can't pass or don't want to, then rock on. I'm just saying that I don't "decide" to pass. The way I wear my hair/clothes is not a statement about my sexuality. There is no "attempting to pass" or "attempting not to pass;" I just live my life the way I am. The assumptions that other people make about my sexuality say nothing about whether I'm cowardly or ashamed of myself. I'm completely proud of who I am. It's just that who I am doesn't happen to be someone who radiates "gay" from every pore. So please don't assume that just because I do pass, that I'm making a conscious decision to gain straight-privilege by hiding myself.
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8 comments:
*grins* It's okay - we love you too. And with 40 contributors at the Project, you're bound to run into some posts you just don't agree with.
But I encourage you to stay up with the conversation - she's almost at 30 comments already. One of my complaints about my own site is the lack of comments on some really good posts. I'm glad you're joining the conversation - a lot of times the trans posts only get other trans folks commenting instead of showing the true LGBTQ community as being concerned about their issues.
The post wasn't about passing (as much as I can tell, I do pass), but about living stealth. The difference between the two is this...
Passing is the world thinking you're straight.
Living stealth is you not letting ANYONE... family, friends, co-workers, all those people who are close to you, know who you are.
Bil: thanks.
Marti, RE: your response on my blog. Okay stealth doesn't = passing. My mistake. However I still feel like it's counterproductive to condemn an entire group of people solely based on their personal decisions about how to live their own lives. I don't see how the personal decisions of ppl you don't even know can have such a detrimental effect on your life that you feel the need to condemn them for it. As an analogy, I don't see how someone who hasn't yet come to terms with their non 100% straight sexuality (and thus is living straight) has any detrimental effect on my life as a queer woman.
Maybe these cases aren't exactly parallel. Would you only use the term "living stealth" for ppl who have transitioned, or are in the process of doing so? Because I think it's possible to not realize that you're queer/gay/etc and thus not even realize you're in the metaphorical closet. (And thus not be living in shame at all). But maybe you're using "stealth" to mean only ppl who have already realized they're trans and are in the process of, or have completely transitioned...? In which case, maybe "stealth" isn't exactly parallel to being "closeted."
Even if you do mean to condemn only those who are deliberately not talking about their past gender, I still don't see the connection between their choices and your life/the trans movement (nor do I see that they are necessarily living in shame). Please explain to me how they these people are holding you back. I'm not being snarky. I'm just trying to see the connection here.
Btw i'm sorry if my terminology about transitioning and various labels isn't quite correct. No offense intended.
Hello. I am the guy who posted the blog which Marti reacted to. you can see it, and a great deal more of my writing, over at ftmstraighttalk.blogspot.com .
Before her response post, I actually was not aware that anyone was reading my blog. I write it for me.
I am responding to you to clarify what I mean by "stealth". I am a straight man who was born in the wrong body, and I consider that a serious medical condition-- one that has been termed "transsexualism", "gender identity disorder", or rarely "disorder of sexual development", among other things. Transsexualism is (to me, in my experience) a condition I treat similar to how my parents have treated their diabetes and cancer. But I wouldn't say my parents had "a cancer identity" or "a diabetes identity". Similarly, I don't have "a transgender identity". I am simply a man born with a serious medical condition.
I am not as "stealth" as some out there-- in my life, I think it is important that my family (including fiancee and future children) to know, and for my doctors to know, that I was born with this condition.
But to everyone else, disclosing my transsexual history/condition would mean giving strangers information about the configuration of my genitals, how I have sex, and a host of other personal details that our society usually accepts as PRIVATE information. Yet when it comes to people born with transsexualism, it seems that society thinks they have a "right to know" the contents of each person's drawers!
So. Folks like Marti often get confused because there is a separate community known as "transgender", and people within that community typically think of "transness" as part of who they are as a person. They would prefer to make their alliances with LGB people because they see their identity as somehow "queer" or "non-straight".
But I do not think my medical condition makes me any less straight or any less of a man, and I think a more sensible political alliance would be made between people suffering from and treating transsexualism, those dealing with other disorders of sexual development (or intersex conditions), and others dealing with rare diseases. All of these groups face the same gross misconceptions from society, the same inaccurate "claiming" by the queer/LGB community, the same lack of health care, and so on.
Sorry for the long comment. if you have any questions, feel free to read through and comment on my blog.
Marti, RE: your response on my blog. Okay stealth doesn't = passing. My mistake. However I still feel like it's counterproductive to condemn an entire group of people solely based on their personal decisions about how to live their own lives. I don't see how the personal decisions of ppl you don't even know can have such a detrimental effect on your life that you feel the need to condemn them for it. As an analogy, I don't see how someone who hasn't yet come to terms with their non 100% straight sexuality (and thus is living straight) has any detrimental effect on my life as a queer woman.
It really is apples and oranges, since GLB people are much more open and "out." Knowing someone that is GLB isn't a rare occurrence, knowing someone that is trans is. If every transgender person were "out", it would be more personal for people. As it is now, we're mostly an abstraction.
"Would you only use the term "living stealth" for ppl who have transitioned, or are in the process of doing so?"
Yes, I would only use it for those who have transitioned.
"In which case, maybe "stealth" isn't exactly parallel to being "closeted."
Does your family and friends know you're gay? Them not knowing, and you knowing, would be an equivalent.
"Even if you do mean to condemn only those who are deliberately not talking about their past gender, I still don't see the connection between their choices and your life/the trans movement (nor do I see that they are necessarily living in shame). Please explain to me how they these people are holding you back. I'm not being snarky. I'm just trying to see the connection here."
:) You're not being snarky at all. Holding me back? They are holding our whole movement back, and making it harder for those that are out. Imagine if there was only one gay person out in your town. Would that make your life harder? Would that make your situation more difficult?
Btw i'm sorry if my terminology about transitioning and various labels isn't quite correct. No offense intended.
None taken :)
I am responding to you to clarify what I mean by "stealth". I am a straight man who was born in the wrong body, and I consider that a serious medical condition-- one that has been termed "transsexualism", "gender identity disorder", or rarely "disorder of sexual development", among other things.
Born in the wrong body? I've never really understood that narrative, outside of someone that is struggling (badly) to explain how they feel about their experience. Are lesbians born in the wrong body too? Is there something wrong with a man that has a vagina or a woman who has a penis?
"Transsexualism is (to me, in my experience) a condition I treat similar to how my parents have treated their diabetes and cancer. But I wouldn't say my parents had "a cancer identity" or "a diabetes identity". Similarly, I don't have "a transgender identity". I am simply a man born with a serious medical condition."
Would you compare depression to diabetes? "Transsexualism" is a normal variant found in all cultures throughout time, not a "disease".
So. Folks like Marti often get confused because there is a separate community known as "transgender", and people within that community typically think of "transness" as part of who they are as a person. They would prefer to make their alliances with LGB people because they see their identity as somehow "queer" or "non-straight".
I prefer to make alliances with folks that understand being gender variant. It's called "GID" for a reason.
But I do not think my medical condition makes me any less straight or any less of a man, and I think a more sensible political alliance would be made between people suffering from and treating transsexualism, those dealing with other disorders of sexual development (or intersex conditions), and others dealing with rare diseases. All of these groups face the same gross misconceptions from society, the same inaccurate "claiming" by the queer/LGB community, the same lack of health care, and so on.
Ask Brandon Teena what they thought of him as they murdered him. It was probably pretty damn close to the same attitude of those that killed Matthew Sheppard. We need to focus in on making the world a more tolerant place, not fitting in. A world where a man can have a vagina and a woman can have a penis. A world where variance is celebrated, not molded into a biological disease. Being stealth, helps no one...except yourself. If you choose that route, that's up to you.
Okay, I'm going to try to keep this uncharacteristically short.
Sarah, you didn't say one thing wrong, I frankly think you rock.
Marti, I agree with Sarah, but by now I hope you figured that out. Nothing was ever accomplished by bullying, most people outgrow it in school. I guess you never got the memo, it's okay, many people don't.
Sarah, please take Marti with a grain of salt, seems she's in the habit of getting people worked up and twisting things, she's like a Trans Don Immus. Seems she says things to get ppl riled up.
Everyone, neither depression, nor transsexuality are diseases or disorders, current "criteria" and diagnosic terms were created by a bunch of utterly clueless folks in lab coats.
Sam
"Nothing was ever accomplished by bullying, most people outgrow it in school. I guess you never got the memo, it's okay, many people don't."
LOL. Pretty funny for someone that over at Bilerico compared me to "A man in a dress."
Now it's Don Imus? :) Too funny, considering that "nappy headed hoe" is about the only thing you haven't called me. Alex isn't typically one to call someone a psycho for no reason.
So you quote Jesus over at Bilerico and you don't believe in science? Have you ever visited the Creation Science Museum?
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