Saturday, July 5, 2008

Open Letter to Queer Alllies

So it was Pride here in St Louis last weekend. I had a great time of course, but i was really struck this year by the rampant consumerism and air of assimilation about the place. I've always felt like Pride should be a protest, and in many countries it IS, but there was absolutely ZERO feeling of activism at our Pride. I was trying to explain how horrified I was by the assimilation/consumerism to my parents, but they thought that it was really great that society has gotten to the point that MacDonald's will have a stall at a gay pride event, whereas in the past they would have shunned it. Their position was essentially that queer people have arrived as a model minority in that they are now being welcomed into fold of mainstream consumer America.

But here's the thing: It's all a trick. We all know that MacDonald's doesn't give two farts who you fuck as long as you'll shell out your dough for their greasy cardboard burger. But more importantly, the assimilation of Pride by consumerist America serves to distract us from the fact that our community is constantly dehumanized and oppressed. See, you're just like everyone else now that MacDonald's will cater to you! You TOO can redecorate your big fat unnecessary summer-home by buying thermal windows and shopping at Macy's! How can you feel discriminated against when so many icons of mainstream America are willing to make a special trip to Pride just to give you a coupon? As Audre Lorde said, "Unless one lives and loves in the trenches, it is difficult to remember that the war against dehumanization is ceaseless."

But we must NOT forget that there IS a psychological — and sometimes physical — war against queer people in this country. Queer youth are forced to grow up trying to cram themselves into a social model that doesn't include them. They do not have the support of their own community because they do not KNOW that they are part of that community. They do not have the support of their family because, for the most part, their family has never had the same struggle that they have. While they are crying in their beds at night, their families have no idea that their children are going through severe psychological turmoil because their children can't express their anxiety to them, perhaps cannot even clearly articulate it to themselves. When they finally do come publicly into queerness, it is with the fear that they do so at the peril of losing their families, their friends, their jobs, and possibly their life.

Whether they actually lose their support networks and safety is immaterial, because for the rest of their lives they will not only have to deal with that isolation and lack of security — but also with the psychological baggage that comes from being a child dealing with loneliness, isolation, harassment, discrimination and fear. As the PFLAG website reports, "The average high school student hears 25 anti-gay slurs daily. Ninety-seven percent of high school students regularly hear homophobic remarks. This harassment takes its toll: Gay students are far more likely to skip classes, drop out of school and/or commit suicide."

And that's just gay students. What about all the gender-nonconforming youth? What about all our homeless queer youth who have either been kicked out or have run away from their families? As Richard Haynes reports, " Nearly 35% of Illinois' homeless youth population self-identify as lesbian, gay, bisexual, or transgendered. These youth often find their access to homeless services limited by service providers who are indifferent, fearful, or not educated about this population. Left with no place to turn, homeless youth often find themselves neglected, invisible, and forgotten; at increased risk for drug addiction, prostitution, violence, HIV infection, and suicide" (emphasis mine).

And that's just queer youth. What about elderly queers? Many elderly queers lack the support of family and/or children, are denied health care, pensions, and widows rights, and are forced back into the closet when they join retirement communities or move into assisted-care facilities (read more). What about elderly queers who depend on the care of strangers? I don't have as many nice statistics here, but a gay man hanged himself after being isolated and shunned in his nursing home. A nurse in an assisted care facility refused to wash a patient because she was a lesbian. As Dr. Melinda Lantz, a geriatric psychiatrist, says “There is something special about having to hide this part of your identity at a time when your entire identity is threatened. That’s a faster pathway to depression, failure to thrive and even premature death.” In a study done by Fairchild, Carrino & Ramirez (1996), "More than half of the nursing home social workers surveyed said their staff were intolerant or condemning of homosexual activity between residents; 38% declined to answer the question." How can adult queers feel embraced by mainstream American when their youth are targeted and their elders are harassed?

Queer people have the interesting position of being a minority that is not born into it's own community. Like the Deaf community, most queer people are not raised by their own. They are not nurtured by members of their community who know what their struggle will be and who will support them through it as best they can. They have no model of queerness and are forced to undergo psychological trauma, as well as possible harassment, abuse, isolation, and physical danger in order to access their community. Both in their youth and upon joining their queer community as an adult, they have little interaction with those older than them. There are no gay grandmothers, transgrandfathers, or queer parents to mentor them. They do not see the unique struggles that queerness presents at different ages until they live them. It is all too easy too forget/avoid the psychological trauma of your youth when you are busy planning your newly legalized California wedding. And how can we truly know the discrimination we will face when we are old until we become old ourselves? Especially when we are bombarded by the trappings of approval from our capitalist society.

The assimilation of adult partnered queers into consumerist America is a trap and a distraction. — Oh boy! Adult queers can get married in California! Hurrah! MacDonald's will no longer fire you for being queer! Yippee! Now you can register your gay wedding at Macy's! — Homophobia and heterosexism is not a single point of discrimination based on adults not being allowed to marry each other. Discrimination against queers is a life issue. It is not something that you only experience when you want to get married. Just because you — an adult queer — are comfortable being out and feel embraced by mainstream America DOES NOT mean that queers as a community have arrived. You are not the prodigal son being welcomed back with a fat pig of capitalism. Do not be distracted by that pig into forgetting your past, the youth of your community, the discrimination your elders face and that you too will one day face again as well.

THAT is why it is disgusting to me to see the trappings of consumerist mainstream assimilationist America at my Pride Protest. Because it lulls us into forgetting that our youth are being beaten down and that our elders are being abused. Because it takes the place of the activism, education, and consciousness-raising that should be taking place at Pride. Because it is not enough to be reluctantly allowed to get married in two states. It is not enough that MacDonald's and other corporations no longer openly discriminate against queers. Queerness should not be an issue. We should be raised with an expectation that we will treat others with decency and humanity, that we will take care of the people we love, and that we will celebrate love without boundaries. Nothing less.

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